Never before in my life have I felt so isolated, separated, uninspired or unwilling.
My friend and I were discussing something late last night on my IM, and that something was the fact that we feel left behind, as all our friends have so ceremoniously gone off to school already, giving us, now, about 3 weeks to wait until our lives can kick in. It is truly a test of patience, but it is an unfair expectation to ask of someone, especially people as unruly (well maybe not so much unruly as anxious to begin) as her and myself. We long to do, to learn, to experience, to engage; we seek to make friends, find ourselves, and become independent, and not just independent of our parents. Independent from boundaries, which are imposed by overbearing authority figures that standardize and catagorize you into someone they think you should be or, in their opinion, inevitably will be.
But all that shall have to wait. As my friend said, I can't help but feeling that I'm behind the curve, as if I'm a regular Joe Policeman just arriving to the scene of a crime when already the FBI and any other imaginable law enforcement have built a case and running leads on suspects. I'm green with envy and jealousy. Friends have gone off and started new, possibly improved, lives, and we are left here, contemplating how the agony of the wait continues to push. Maybe its just that innate human tendency to belong and live among others like oneself. Or maybe we're just lonely.
Either way, I just don't know what to do with myself.
"I'm stuck in a square, becoming one too/three stories above I hear there's a view/Long way to the ground/But i'll probably stick around"
-'Restart' by Ozma
Saturday, August 30, 2008
Friday, August 29, 2008
8.29.08 - Out of Extraordinary
You know something's wrong when you're restless.
Something's out of place or its ordinary configuration, and your normal routine is upset; in fact, the things you would usually do don't seem so enthralling or even worth while. Guitar, in my case, has hopefully, temporarily, lost its seemingly eternal wonder as well as recording songs, which also lack a certain passion that otherwise flows from my gut. Even things that appeal to me during times of boredom and listlessness such as reading and writing aren't near enough to keep me going through the day. Food won't properly satisfy you as it has before, and the incessant heat wave certainly doesn't help one's demeanor by any stretch of the imagination. Everything has the air of disjunctedness, as if the whole world skipped a beat somewhere down the line, and the only way to get back into the groove of things would be to jump start with a hypersized defibrulator. Or maybe it's just you who's out of step? You, whose own distraught self can't help but see the negatives piercing themselves through and between the lines between a good day and bad.
And all this because she's gone off to school, where her life and yours are no longer as entwined as you once knew, as you always loved, as you never fully appreciated. It's not to say that she's gone for good, but there's indeed something missing, maybe not from your heart, or from your head, just... just from your own living presence, like half of your being was placed into her and there's no getting it back. And not until you can reunite will you ever be whole again. Whole, together, in love and in union. Oh, to be whole again, to be with you, to hold you and have you forever, believing as if the day had never met the night that fateful hour of creation. God, oh God, she is forever part of me, and her parting is a beautiful sadness.
You must know, her presence is truly breathtaking, but in her absence, life is out of extraordinary.
"Breathe in for luck, breathe in so deep, this air is blessed, you share with me.."
-'Hands Down' Dashboard Confessional
Something's out of place or its ordinary configuration, and your normal routine is upset; in fact, the things you would usually do don't seem so enthralling or even worth while. Guitar, in my case, has hopefully, temporarily, lost its seemingly eternal wonder as well as recording songs, which also lack a certain passion that otherwise flows from my gut. Even things that appeal to me during times of boredom and listlessness such as reading and writing aren't near enough to keep me going through the day. Food won't properly satisfy you as it has before, and the incessant heat wave certainly doesn't help one's demeanor by any stretch of the imagination. Everything has the air of disjunctedness, as if the whole world skipped a beat somewhere down the line, and the only way to get back into the groove of things would be to jump start with a hypersized defibrulator. Or maybe it's just you who's out of step? You, whose own distraught self can't help but see the negatives piercing themselves through and between the lines between a good day and bad.
And all this because she's gone off to school, where her life and yours are no longer as entwined as you once knew, as you always loved, as you never fully appreciated. It's not to say that she's gone for good, but there's indeed something missing, maybe not from your heart, or from your head, just... just from your own living presence, like half of your being was placed into her and there's no getting it back. And not until you can reunite will you ever be whole again. Whole, together, in love and in union. Oh, to be whole again, to be with you, to hold you and have you forever, believing as if the day had never met the night that fateful hour of creation. God, oh God, she is forever part of me, and her parting is a beautiful sadness.
You must know, her presence is truly breathtaking, but in her absence, life is out of extraordinary.
"Breathe in for luck, breathe in so deep, this air is blessed, you share with me.."
-'Hands Down' Dashboard Confessional
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